Rando Thoughts.

I have not the energy to type all the things that are swimming around in my head. So, for brevity's sake, here are some of my nuggets of wisdom and amusement.

1. There are two kinds of people in this world. One says, 'the trash needs to be taken out', and the other takes out the trash.

2. Today I stooped low to the carpet for a good minute or two pondering whether the brown fragments on the floor of our hallway were coffee beans or rat poop, whether I should touch it or smell it. I used my shoe. Praise the Lord, they were coffee beans.

3. I think risk (not the game but the action) is underrated. We often associate it with life or death situations, but what if it just means asking good questions. Sitting across from a professor at lunch. Committing to something new. You never know until you try, and I'd like to see some more risk around here (and perhaps that last statement refers to both the game and the action).

4. What is the evolutionary excuse for Zebras and Giraffes? Those are creative miracles.

5. Never underestimate the wisdom of C.S. Lewis. In the end, he will get you.

6. For verbal processors, why can't paper options come in the form of an oral examination and conversation?

7. I wish riding horses wasn't such an uncomfortable experience. I put it in the category of corndogs, because corndogs always smell better to me than they taste. At a distance, it always seems like a good idea.

8. Why does leadership so often get misconstrued to mean charismatic persona? It's akin to the idea that the 'popular kids' are popular. Popular kids aren't popular, they're the ones that everyone knows and dislikes. A leader isn't someone who's up front suavely shaking hands and name dropping, true leaders are the ones in the system getting their hands dirty, and empowering the people around them. Let's be better leaders - mutual submission and relational encouragement. Come on church, be church!!

9. Let's stop playing games. If the only card you'll put forward is the 'you don't understand me' card, then we will not get anywhere. I need you to dig deep, and match what I am putting forward, my 'help me understand you better' card.

10. Acts 20:13-38

And lastly,

To Thine Own Self Be True.

Everywhere I turn, in class, life, Bible, recreational reading ... if there is one piece of advice that the world seems to be throwing my way, it is to know yourself.

And I think the most frustrating relationships I have in my life are the ones in which the other party doesn't quite know who they are.

That's a stark judgment, but one that comes from hours of thought and consideration. If you're trying to be someone else by mimicking their language (either verbal or body), make a name for yourself in one way or another that doesn't seem to have congruence with the passions of your heart, if your trajectory in life seems to veer in different directions year-in and year-out, I think you might need to take some time to actually find out who you are.

My Pastor as Person course has me engulfed in counseling books, and all resonate with the idea of knowing yourself. Being able to listen to what drives you, motivates you, makes you react the way you do. Which is really fascinating once you consider all the parts of your life that have made you who you are.

My bottom line with this post is really the bottom line of Runaway Bride, however cheesy and ridiculous that may sound. But the premise of that movie (don't read if you haven't seen it, or do if you don't care) is that Julia Roberts' character doesn't know herself well enough, and has never been encouraged to know herself well enough in relationships to commit to marriage. Which, actually is a blessing that she never actually did get married to any of those men because she was the ultimate case of the people pleaser. Anyway, I can't tell you how many times I think back to that movie with deep consideration and appreciation for the question 'how do you like your eggs?'

All that being said, I think I know myself pretty well. But let's not kid ourselves, I'll continue to learn more about myself everyday, especially because my days involve other people, and you always learn in relationship. So do yourself and everyone else who has to encounter you a favor - take some 'me' time today and remember who you are ... oh, more great words from movie greats. Thanks Mufasa.

Happy fall.

What about when God DOES answer prayer?!

Hallelujah, Salvation and Glory, Honor and Power unto the Lord, OUR God.

It seems to me that modern theology has taken over prayer. Rather than working from the concept that 'God answers prayer', we now come from the standpoint of 'what do we do when God doesn't answer prayer?'. I recently fell in love with a song by JJ Heller, in which the first words are 'I have unanswered prayers' ... and while I first resonated with the intention, I'm not sure I agree with the conclusion. Do I have unanswered prayers, or are they simply answered in a way I disagree with? Do I see the answers if they aren't where I'm looking for them? God is not as formulaic as we'd all like to believe, and is probably more creative than we give Him credit for. I wouldn't even know where to begin looking for answers with those two pieces in mind. Of course, this probably breaks down around terrible tragedies, when we pray for healing and it doesn't happen. Duly granted. But most of the time my prayers aren't focused on the tragic predicament of an impending death (though perhaps they should be? Hmmm ...).

All this is to say I have had prayers answered. I've heard about miracles from friends' prayers. I believe I've had miracles occur in direct relation to my prayers. I have come to understand that God is a faithful God, but I suppose some may say that is me choosing to appropriate good fortune with divine intervention. Maybe it's something like choosing to believe God is a faithful God, rather than testing my prayers on Him first. I'd rather just call it divine intervention, but whatever.

In any case, I sit here reflecting on answered prayer, primarily because I feel blessed. Overwhelmingly blessed. By my family, by my friends, by my opportunities, by my gifts, by everything in this moment. This does not mean my life is devoid of death, pain, loss, etc. But it means I do, today, choose to remember how good I have it, I choose to recall how God has been faithful, I choose to recognize that this cannot all be due to chance. And, that someone deserves quite a bit of gratitude. In my opinion, there is no way I brought this on myself. So, once again,

Hallelujah, Salvation and Glory, Honor and Power unto the Lord Out God.

I feel like a Mary in a world of Marthas. My studying happens, but I do not pride myself in diligence ... and no one said grad school was going to be easy, but no one said it wouldn't be fun either. So I am making the most of my time. Which also meant a trip to DC to see some WONDERFUL people - we had a dinner that was comprised of about 8 Seattlites (born or colleged there), what are the odds. We also spent time at the Air and Space museum, and saw the Declaration of Independence. I was so thrown by the wonder involved in pondering the universe (what in the what is dark matter...) and pondering the beginnings of our country. History and science, thinking about things too large to comprehend, and considering the movements of humanity in time. Sociology is so important, and yet rotation and revolution help maintain our lives ... I saw a picture of Mercury passing in front of the sun. WOW. Rings of Saturn, holy moly.

What is Chaplain ... reflections of the summer ...

The words 'Chaplain' and 'Church' couldn't be further apart. Yet, they somehow resemble the same thing - spiritual care. The methods and mentality cause the divergence.

To be Chaplain - there is a humbling, and essence of humility that permeates the nature of a good chaplain. Rife with 'I don't know' and 'you're right, it isn't fair', a Chaplain learns to listen. And listen. They sit, not presuming to preach, teach, fix, or problem solve, but listen, and be. Every day the prayer becomes 'give us ears to hear' because there are untouched depths behind tears, voiced fears, angry words, the pacing of anxious feet, and eyes which haven't been dry for days.

And so, patients talk. But we aren't there to hear them talk, we wait until they share. The heart is vulnerable, and becomes honest with trust. We pose no threat, so when that is recognized, truth emerges. Past pain or regret, anger or confusion at times. We are all looking for answers, so what happens when we find out there are no easy answers? Some presume to attempt a solution anyway. I've learned to sit with the questions. Sometimes when we ask, we come to understand the reason for the question a little better. Curiosity met with curiosity allows human to see human. And to be a Chaplain, is hopefully to say 'nice to finally meet you'. It seems that to wear the other face of Church, we sometimes instead say, 'have you met me yet?'

This isn't a hula hoop.

Summer is nearly ended, and I have barely blogged at all. Too much to think about and reflect on, it mostly goes in my journal. I'll try and write a bit more, but for the moment I'd like to revel in the surprise I received this week. But let's back up a bit - as someone who is pursuing ministry within the PC(USA), there are many, many hoops to jump through. Paperwork and interviews, interviews and paperwork. It is all modeled to be a fantastic way to be in conversation with someone asking the question, 'what is my calling in ministry?' and offers a great community appeal. But somewhere along the way it feels more like the circus with this hoop, and now this hoop, and yet another hoop, and then oh, you thought that was the last one? wrong! At least the hoops aren't set on fire ... well, maybe the last one is ...

And so I have been moved from someone asking the questions of myself in ministry, to the formal term of 'inquirer' (still asking the question of me in ministry, just with a fancy official title) and this week, my church has approved my move to candidacy. And while the titles and hoops sound sterile and removed from a personal journey, I cannot express the surprise and encouragement I felt upon fielding questions at the session meeting that moved me forward.

It's just one of those moments that gets you - where you catch a vision of the body of Christ and remember, oh yeah! This IS what it's all about. Elders, nominated from the church body to represent the church body - seeking after what it means to have Christ as the head, and discern the gifts we each bring to the table, and how God desires to use us. I love my church. And this week, I heard affirmation that they love me back. How cool is that?!?

My Life as a Hospital Chaplain.

So far, my job is awesome. Aside from the sleepovers in the hospital where you wake up every hour thinking you're going to get called to be available during a multi-car wreck, it's pretty great. I get to listen to people's stories every day. I get to pray with complete strangers. I get to meet staff and patients and just be present for them. I also get free meals! But most entertainingly, I need to read up about my religious conspiracy theories, and so I have done some googling in order to prepare myself. This site seems to have the answers I need - in the fact that in working with mental health patients I need to know what I might be dealing with. I got the double whammy of Cain being the son of Satan and the UN being the onset of the Anti-Christ in one day ...

If I had the time ...

I would read. I would re-read all my Tolkien. I would read the Silmarillion. I would read read read read ... more Marilynn Robinson, that Douglas Adams sitting on my shelf, the Henri Nouwen I still haven't finished, and pick up some books from that list compiled from friends suggestions that sits in my wallet waiting for that odd afternoon free when I might find myself mysteriously stranded at the Barnes and Noble.

But would I? Because given the time, I'd rather be with friends, catching up or simply hanging out ... when I find free time it's watching movies or making things. I'm doing a psych exam for my ordination requirements, and they always ask those extrovert/introvert questions of 'given an evening, would you rather ... a) be at a party with friends or b) spend time alone reading - SO what happens when you find joy in both? I suppose this is where preference comes in, but then it depends also on the reading, and maybe on the friends (ouch, that's harsh ... ).

Speaking of time, don't know if I'll have it. I suppose I do right now, since I'm sitting here in the blogosphere, but I've recently begun a position as a hospital Chaplain, which means a lot of reflecting after long days. Who knows what's coming for me in the week ahead, but I'm excited to find out. Anyway, this blog feels like it might be making it's demise soon ... I'll try and keep it around for the last year of Seminary that looms it's head in front of me - then who knows!

This time I'm not angry.

First of all, GLORIOUS sunshine means reading books outside.
Okay, now to an update.
I started writing a post a while back in the heat of anger, and it just felt wrong. I was angry with what I felt was a righteous anger ... and it almost felt justifying to have it out over the internet. Almost. In the midst of writing it, it felt wrong - like in just writing it out I was focusing even more on my anger that shouldn't have been fed anyway, and my tunnel vision of righteousness allowed me to vent in public airways. That's not how that should work.

So I'm better now. And even more than that, I'm enlightened. This weekend I was blessed to be a part of a production called 'Space for God', which was a show written by a woman who is doing her PhD here at PTS, and it was absolutely phenomenal. I showed up only knowing the song they asked me to play as a vignette during a set change, and not even knowing what the show was about. But the pieces that she wrote were so stirring! It was basically 3 monologues from the perspective of different women in ministry, but not basically, it was much much more than that. The imagery that was brought to life through the characters, motion, and speech that they shared on the staged - I will be mulling over each piece for days, I'm sure. It is so beautiful to see words come to life in such meaningful ways. And although I like the theater, I've usually found it to be a distraction from life - a nice get-away (although harder/darker pieces mean probably not so nice...) but this had such depth to it, and was so close to home. PTL for the creative work of those around me. It was also a time for me to once again consider where I'd like to go in musician possibilities.

But here also are my recent adventures, since I don't keep up on here often at ALL.
My sis visited!

Trip to the shore! Sunshine and happy people.

Bonhoeffer.

If you haven't read him you should.

However, I think in creating a thesis for the class I'm taking on him, I'm left a bit unsettled. But I suppose any good theologian would leave you that way. I'm left pondering what it means to imitate Christ, and what is identity ... ? Are we what we do? What we say? What we think? What we feel? What part of me is me, and will always be me, and what part of me is transformed by Christ as I try to lose 'self' or turn away from 'flesh' and all that jazz? And what does it mean to take up one's cross? Or bear one another's burdens? And how does this become wholistic and healthy for us and those around us? Riddle me this ... to me, it does shed more light on his poetry.

Well, on to paper writing.

Why.

I haven't updated here in a while, and I've been considering why.

This place exists so that I can update people about what is going on in my life - but I'd much rather be telling them, talking with them, having coffee with them, writing letters to them, than posting general information about my life and various obscurities. In that way, how personal do these even get? To think that I am in some way connected with the people who read this is feeding a lie. It is the same with facebook and networking sites that allow us some confirmation that we are connected with the people of the world, when we're most likely sitting alone, possibly in a crowded place but still alone, reading about them and not talking with them. It's such a backwards response to our desire for community and inclusion.

I also am apprehensive to write because I don't know what the appropriate limits to sharing are. I'm very tempted to simply post quotes or meaningful messages from classes I'm taking, rather than share personal stories and ponderings, because those are me, and this is not how you get to know me. I often think about what it would be like to be a songwriter, novelist or poet - but that seems very vulnerable to me, and it's no wonder Keats died so young.

Well, thoughts, once again, publicly posted. About public postings. OH well. I don't know when I'll update this next - in case you are genuinely interested in my goings on, I am LOVING seminary, and it is probably a good sign that I am apprehensive about this public domain thing, because my focus is turned towards the communities that I am a part of, not the virtual ones.

I will leave you with a recent favorite song, though. My God My Father Blissful Name, by Indelible Grace:

My God, my Father, blissful name
Oh may I call Thee mine?
May I with sweet assurance claim
A portion so divine?
This only can my fears control
And bid my sorrows fly;
What harm can ever reach my soul
Beneath my Father’s eye?

Whate’er Thy providence denies
I calmly would resign
For Thou art just, and good, and wise
O bend my will to Thine
Whate’er Thy sacred will ordains
O give me strength to bear;
And let me know my Father reigns
And trust His tender care

If pain and sickness rend this frame
And life almost depart
Is not Thy mercy still the same
To cheer my drooping heart
If cares and sorrows me surround
Their power why should I fear?
My inward peace they cannot wound
If Thou, my God, art near