It's been so long I don't know where to begin ...

Sometimes I think perhaps twitter would be the better option, because I think about SO many things on public transportation. But this would also mean I would need some device to help me do that and it seems hardly worth the effort, and also rather self-centered ... but then again what is blogging?

So where to begin:
#1. I have not lost my sense of humor. Port-o-potties always make for a good photo op.
#2. So do NY Skylines. From Central Park.
#3. Halloween in 2-parts: a) Community Service b) Host Family service (?) of pumpkin carving!
#4. Painting is still a vice. As are dance parties. Here is our hall tradition floor finished!
#5. I think this is studying Greek.
#6. I still jump for photo's at monuments! And coerce friends to do the same!
#6. There is nothing better than Thanksgiving with Family. And the trademark Rabbit of the Arrowsmith clan.

#7. Here I feel Rachel and I have emulated what we believe is expected to occur at the Masonic Temple (of George Washington?) in Arlington, VA. Oh George, thou hast a mighty heavy head of steel. This made for a creepy and entertaining afternoon adventure.

Well that should be a rather good update of events this fall - very devoid of the thoughts that continue to wrack my brain, but I assure you all is well upstairs. Bottomline: Prayer is powerful, God is good, death is terrible, crying is sometimes necessary, creation is gorgeous, popcorn from the stove is undoubtedly better than gold, letters are bomb.com, music is essential, family is priceless, visiting friends in close-by cities is a must, cello's speak to my soul, and dance parties to Franz Ferdinand will pick up any day.

I am a loser. But I do not lose in silence. I stomp.

I can only remember losing 3 favorite items of clothing in my life (there are probably more, but not as beloved):
1. A wonderful puffy pink jacket when I was 10. I can still remember exactly where I left it, on the stacks of chairs in the fellowship hall of Camp Orkila.

2. The most versatile layer you could ever own - the Black North Face vest, newly purchased and somehow easily misplaced. I probably had it for a few months and then poof - gone - no idea where it decided to go, or why it decided to leave. I do believe I have documented proof of its existence somewhere ...

3. Most recently, my favorite purchase of the summer - a bright teal cardigan of perfect size, shape and color. It accompanied me to weddings, was worn perfectly with fancy shirts and simple ones, and gave me just the right amount of warmth. But in some part of the unpacking process, it lost its way and is no where to be found. I have overturned the contents of my drawers and closet, hoping beyond hopes to rejoice as the woman did who found her lost coin, but alas, my misfortune as of yet has not become a parable.

So there you have it, a simple slice of my losing capabilites. I will not waste your time on the favorite chapstick that has also disappeared.

So how do we respond to such misfortune? We mourn, we share our grief with those around us (I have not yet built up the courage to even think of replacing the cardigan). But perhaps it is also appropriate to let out some of the feelings of outrage that come in the midst of losing things, and for this, my friends, I bring you to the art of Stomp/Step. Absolutely glorious. And perhaps it was more that I was able to completely forget about my lost items, and remember that I am found, and that rhythm and motion have a way of healing all wounds.

What are you trying to prove?

Think about it. Even if your initial answer was 'no', is that truthful?

I spent some time on the subway yesterday, which of course is the prime place for people watching. So what is it about our wardrobes that we are trying to communicate to others? Is the ipod in our ears merely for our entertainment, or is it proving to people the luxuries I can afford? If I wear skinny jeans, or scarves, or many brightly colored necklaces, or shoes with my laces strategically untied, am I presenting myself or an image of something I want other people to interpret? On a somewhat related note, why do we sexualize everything?!?

What about in conversation. Everyone can smell a hypocrite a mile a way, and the Church being labeled the number one culprit in pop culture today, the odds can't be that good on a Seminary campus, especially since the stakes are a bit higher in the 'practice what you preach' category.

So who are we? What do we try to prove to other people about our identity by the things we wear, the words we say, and the people we claim to be? And how well do we know ourselves - do we listen to the pressures of society (whoever they may be) telling us who we should try to be?

Personally, I am refreshed that in my religion, in my tradition, and in my heart I have a savior who asks me to identify first in Him, and the rest will fall into place. Not easily, and not without the temptation to define who I am on my own. But at least I know that when I totally screw it up, someone already knows exactly who I am.

Truly this time, I went further up and further in!

From the outside (channeling Lennon)To the Inside!

Through the windows of the crown!

Oh yes, we made it to the top.

Statue of Liberty. I am proud because we bought our tickets in June, and now they are sold out through December. WHAT A COOL DAY. This plus Ellis Island, AND knowing that I am fully capable of riding the public transit of NYC all by myself. WITH shortcuts/express trains. Whoop whoop!

And now classes have begun, and I'm learning why co-moderating two student groups isn't always such a hot idea, but at the same time why it's kind of neat - sometimes there's overlap b/t justice and worship. Who woulda thunk it.

Amazing grace I feel you coming up slowly now ...

It's amazing what simply going to church can do. I'm not saying being a church goer is a quick fix for the problems of the world, or that a sermon will solve whatever ails you, but rather that there is something about a sanctuary and a community of believers that puts my heart at ease. I went to the 5 o'clock on Sunday, feeling all that anxiety and worry from my previous post, along with that awkward who am I going to sit with tonight? that begins in the parking lot and lasts as you pass through the double doors of the room itself. But taking my seat in a pew, on my own, there was a sense of refreshment. Singing with the congregation my mind left behind my worries, and I took some time to dwell a little longer in God's faithfulness.

I often hear the message that is so eloquently stated by Jesus in Matthew 11:28, saying:

²⁸"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I'll hear that and I'll say to myself, what a great reminder. That Jesus will give us rest. But how is that put into action in my life? How often do I choose to take up His yoke, rather than providing my own - rusty and crooked as it is? On Sunday I stood and pondered this - What does it mean for us to lean and depend on Christ? And to me, it first means that I don't depend on myself. That is a scary yet freeing thing to do. To not depend on myself - I know what I'm capable of, I know how I handle things, I know what happens when I am in control. But what growth comes out of my smothering things to make them just as I want them to be?

Now, I also know what it is to depend on God, and it has so much better and fuller of a reward than I could ever make for myself. These responsibilities and positions I'll have this year are not my obligations so much as they are my opportunities to participate in what God is already doing. What a relief. THIS I can rest in. God's kingdom in the world isn't dependent on me holding up all the corners. God is big enough to bring it all together.

Oh boy, just another day, learning from the Teacher.

I know I'm filled to be emptied again, the seed I've received I will sow

At some point, you've just have to be willing to put your money where your mouth is.

I think I come from a culture that ends up being a lot of talk. The government should work for me this way ... or ... you know what's wrong with education today ... or ... if it was me I would have ... And in reflection of my summer and my first year as a grad student, I find myself in a position much like my culture: a place of critique and ambition. Yet in total fear of how I will actually put any of it to good use. It's easy to see what's wrong with a situation when you are well outside of it's grasp. And all the arrows are pointing at how it can be made better. But it gets a little scary when it turns out the arrows are also pointing at you to be a part of the change you desire.

I have all these brimming hopes to bring it all together at Seminary. So often, we as people, complain about community, during a move or a new environment - I didn't feel welcome, I couldn't be myself, no one was friendly - but how much of that is because of our attitude? First off, in new places we all desire to be liked, and not rejected. So step one? Like others, and don't reject them. Secondly, I so desire to have real conversations about faith and what it means to us, and what it is we actually believe. Not about doctrine really, or about which theologian said what, but a real tell all of why they are here. What is your 'call'? What is it about Jesus that brought you to this point? Step two sounds a little trickier, and seems to be a bit of a risk.

So to actually enter into these conversations - am I just a lot of talk? In the end will I put my money where my mouth is and let the gospel come tumbling out? I'm not so confident in myself, but I trust that the Holy Spirit will ensure that it happens.

Thoughts while away from blogging but amidst much travel.

1. Rumble strips are a great idea, and are also a great way to wake students up for lunch without having to yell.

2. Why do we say things like, 'have a good flight!'? Do I have some sort of mystic control over the possible babies, turbulence, and airplane food (or lack there of) that my friend could encounter on her flight across the country? I suppose I do subscribe to the notion that if you go in with a good attitude you'll have a better time, but then should I shout instead, 'think good thoughts while on the plane!' or 'keep a smile on your face, even if your chair doesn't recline and your neighbors took all the elbow space!' ...

3. Is Satan real. I am re-reading The Screwtape Letters and am usually with C.S. Lewis 100%, so I think you know what my answer on the topic is. I encountered many youth in my internship who do not necessarily agree with me, and say that Satan is more or less the name we give to different temptations in our lives ... that is watered down, and rather unbiblical. What do they attribute evil to, what exactly is temptation then? Then what is the Bible talking about when it mentions Satan? I think this is a direct effect of avoiding the discussion of Hell, but when did we start side-stepping such strong stuff in the church today? We're afraid of Bible thumping so we simply Bible Thumb to the pages we approve of?

4. Upon returning from The Great Escape, a Jr. High week-long camp experience at a college campus, I have a few observations:
a) Shaving cream up the nose is absolutely TERRIBLE.
b) Chocolate milk is delicious, however you should stay away from dairy when you are susceptible to sinus infections and already have a cold.
c) I am SO frustrated when speakers continue the tradition of telling people what they should and should not do, while avoiding the question on everyone's mind, 'Why?' Let's talk about sex. Let's talk about porn (although some were actually too young to know what that is). Let's talk about body image. But let's talk about why you have value, why relationships are more than just a bodily reaction to one another, why God places restrictions on things ... I think their old enough to understand. Plus they've been asking 'why' to everything else for the past 10 years already. And I think some leaders need to hear it more than the students do!
d) I don't yet know how you present a great worship experience without also making it like a concert. This I shall continue to ponder.

5. Weddings are the best. Granted there was no dancing down the aisles, but at least there was dancing.

6. I still am trying to catch up on my sleep. And the sinus infection is now faced with a new competitor: The Neti Pot. I've probably talked about it for years, how you pour it in your nose to clear you sinuses, and how I wasn't sure I'd ever bring myself to actually do it. Well friends, the deed has been done. And it felt weird. But we press on.

7. Lastly, always take someone up when they offer you the use of their swimming pool.

Sleeping is a privilege, not a right.

If there is anything that summer youth ministry internship will teach you, it is that very fact. You wake up earlier than everyone for breakfast or meetings, and you tell people 'shhh' until the cows come home, for they do enjoy their pillow talk. But most of all, someone has to stay up on the all-nighter to make sure couples don't sneak off, or overdose on oreos. Thus, my friday evening.

Last week I had the privilege of experiencing Montreat, North Carolina. A place I had only heard about from friends and professors, that when mentioned would bring a joyous glaze to the face of the speaker. Needless to say I had some rather high expectations on my way there (which was about an 11 hr van ride, so I had a lot of time to think about those expectations). On reaching the beloved mecca of the PCUSA, I wasn't sorely disappointed. We stayed in a nice little house, and drove in to the retreat center each day, which was sized just right, and beautifully situated among the Blue Ridge mountains. But worship? left a bit to be desired.

A Seminarian's Critique:
Montreat offers week long conferences in the summer to high school aged youth. This year's theme was 'The World On Fire' - potentially a great theme, but that all depends on how you use it. Is the fire good? Is the fire bad? It was never really made clear. I believe the intention was to explore both the good and the bad attributes of fire, but the message was bottom line, confusing. The morning speaker seemed to stay on the shallower end of her messages, which also had great potential but were lacking depth. The evening pastor presented a pretty good message, once you got past his meter and cadence. But both still operated from a position that everyone in the audience has a basic understanding of the gospel, when that is not true! And reflects a great injustice of youth ministry today - we assume that any child brought up in the Christian Church knows their Bible stories and therefore knows God, the gospel, etc. But Sunday school, it seems to me, does a rather poor job of making it real. Of bringing it home. So at places like Montreat it seems essential to revisit the basics of our faith - our sinful nature, God's redemption through Christ, what that means for our lives, and not just that last part. We got into a lot of social-gospelesque messages, which I am happy to encourage, because we need to be finding ways in which to help our neighbor whether it is at home, in our nation, or across the world. But if we don't have a central focus on Christ and a better understanding of who God is in our lives, then we can easily be misled.

Overall I loved the trip, but I think that was mostly because of who I traveled with. These students are phenomenal. My co-workers, there are no words to describe how wonderful they are. And they continue to surprise me with new gifts they have to share!

And given my general unsatisfactory attitude about the speakers, I did have a seminarian nerd-out moment over one of the sermons/talks. Put these two together: The tower of Babel, and Pentecost. It will blow your mind.

Oh, and there are no pictures because I forgot my camera in Seattle ... but they mailed it to me, so here I come, Great Escape!

Thoughts while on planes or in airports.

1. Where are we all going, all of the time? That a flight home is oversold, even thought there are at least 3 other flights on this airline flying today as well as at least 4 other airplanes flying to the same destination? But really, how are so many people always in transit?

2. Why are we rewarded for frequent flyer miles? The obvious answer being the more $$ in the pockets of the airlines the better, but in this day and age post-Inconvenient Truth and amidst all our efforts for a greener world, air travel does TERRIBLE damage to the environment. But we don't really hear about it. No one is protesting it loudly, because we're all too busy planning our next journey. This is why we breathe toxins and a constant haze engulfs our cities and neighborhoods.

3. Why are plane boarding lines so different from any other line? It's true, it's like a giant merge lane. People hardly ever actually move to the back like in a proper queue. It's more of a conglomerate melding into every part of the line, and the thing is no one really minds or puts up a fuss! We all just accept it as routing. Perhaps it's the pre-assigned seating, but at the same time it's always a mad rush to get on board. "I NEED to get on there first so I can have MORE time to sit in a small confined are in which I will constantly lose my personal space for the next 5 hours." And WHO are those people who sneak on when their zone is not called and have an aisle seat? They're making it harder for everyone. And then there is the frenzy to get off the plane. Yes, let's all stand awkwardly tightly together while no one is moving because the plane just pulled into the gate. What? oh sure, I can hit 3 people trying to get my luggage out of the overhead compartment, no problem!

So what the heck, you're welcome, glad to have you with us!

I will be the first to say I am a fan of the Music Man. No surprise there. How about Field of Dreams? Phenomenal. And how about Herbert Hoover? As of yet undecided. What do these all have in common? Iowa.

I just got back from a week-long mission trip to Iowa/Illinois doing disaster relief due to the extreme flooding that occurred there last summer. The trip was with the High School group in Westfield, 76 students in all, and it was phenomenal. We split up into teams of about 4 students per leader, and headed out to individual homes to start demolishing, repairing, and rebuilding the houses and lives of the people in Gulfport, IL. I love construction, because it makes you think (measure twice, cut once) and it is instant gratification (usually, unless you measure once and cut twice ...). For instance:

The completion of a wall! What are we capable of? Anything. We sided this whole house, and none of us have done siding before. Needless to say, we are a proud team. See awesome team below.
The house was for a man named Herman, who was the most interesting man from Germany I have ever met - one child of 13, outstanding sense of humor, and at least one brother who is able to yodel in German whilst wearing Lederhosen. Fantastic. I wish I had taken a picture!

But really, I loved the whole trip. It was emotionally difficult near the end though, as the current youth pastor is leaving after this summer, so it was her last mission trip with these kids. Rough, but beautiful to see a congregation so moved to tears at the thought of her departure. Sometimes it is very healthy to cry. On the other hand, I know that for my sister or me if we cry to much we get terrible terrible headaches ...

Here's a hole-in-one.

I went with some friends to the U.S. Open last Monday during their practice rounds. I've never been a huge fan of golf, although I can appreciate the technique and skill it takes to play, and have for some reason found myself entranced watching it on tv, which in retrospect sounds rather unfathomable. Oh, but I did get hooked on Hot Shots Golf on the PSP one summer, so perhaps that explains it.

But one of the entrance requirements that Bethpage has is absolutely no cell phones. As we wandered around I kept returning to that thought - here am I in the midst of the age of technology, milling about with thousands of others - and none of us have our cell phones. How freeing that was! Overhearing businessmen (this isn't a sexist remark, it's just simply fact that my gender was outnumbered at least 4 to 1) discuss how their companies may be trying to reach them all day and they'll get nowhere, because they're actually forced to take the day off.

How attached are we to our technology? Perhaps I have my phone on me only in case of emergencies - but really I'm waiting for that text or that person to call me back about what's going on later. Maybe I take the day off, but is it really a day off if my phone is still on? It's really as if everyone's walking around with those funny child-leashes that some people think are cruelty to children, they just happen to be invisible this time.

I sometimes wonder what the total effect cell phones have on society is. Psychologically - are we worse at making decisions, because we have easy access to checking with other people first? With the iPhone and all it's upgrades, do we rely too heavily on technology for all our needs? With GPS, do we have any idea where we are anymore? I'm thoroughly convinced GPS makes people stupider - we should be able to read maps.

And lastly, I like Golf Courses (not for environmental reasons, I actually hate them for their water usage, etc., but we can get into that another time) since they are really large fields. Bethpage is huge, and as we walked from course to course, it was peaceful. Not having anyone on their cell phones (txting etc) means we actually get to talk with each other (what a delight!). It's a beautiful park, and how much time do we spend in parks these days? Go out and enjoy those trees. I don't care if it's raining, sometimes that makes it more special.

P.S. I LOVE my host family. We just spent some time competitively hula-hooping in the rain. Excellent.

Whirlwind

One week back in New Jersey, and it has been absolutely phenomenal. Update? You got it.

1. Dave Matthews Band on the Today Show - My friend's dad is one of the producers for the Today Show, so we had the hook up for seeing him play last friday! WOOHOO! Aside from the fact that the entire time I was home it didn't rain once and I returned to Jersey for rain, and the fact that I was rather stuck behind a bunch of guys well over 6' tall, it was an awesome experience. I even saw the inside of the studio for the show! And Matt Lauer was there!!

DMB!!!
MATT LAUER!!

2. Puppy sat Bristol. Didn't take any pictures because my time was spent catering to Bristol - Puppies take a lot of attention! It was enjoyable, although I am very releived that it is over. I spent a good amount of time watching movies and 1.5 seasons of How I Met Your Mother. OH, and seeing UP! SO GOOD!
Good friends and 3-D glasses.

3. I moved to Westfield, NJ. It is awesome. My job is awesome (Youth Min. position for a multitude of trips we will take over the summer - awesome). I think all in all, at the moment, my life is awesome. I have an incredible host family, that cooks incredible food, and we have incredible conversation. Incredible, are you getting the picture? I hope so because I haven't taken many pictures here yet so you're going to have to use your imagination.

4. I had to pee into a cup for a drug test in order to work at the church. There is a first time for everything.

5. BEST CONCERT EVER - The factors:
---a. Josh Ritter
---b. Played with the NY Pops (orchestra) - amazing.
---c. FREE
---d. In Central Park
---e. Glen Hansard accompanied
---f. I got a sweet poster.
---g. Did I mention it was Josh Ritter?!?!?
---h. Oh, and we saw Chet from the Real World: Brooklyn, on the way back to the subway.
Yes, that is Ritter, the band, the orchestra, and Glen is over there on the right. The weather called for thunderstorms, but God knew better. PTL.

I have a confession to make.

I love people. I know, I know, this may not sound new, but hear me out. I'm the person who actually figures they can actually somehow know everyone in the city of Seattle. I think my favorite day would be walking around town, and never going a block without stopping to chat with a familiar face. In Seattle. This city is very large. But some part of me totally feels like it's possible - pure optimism. But how can you not hope for that? People are so interesting, and each person has their own story to tell. I love people's stories. The only problem is there are so many people in the world, and only so many hours. Yet we press on.

A year in review

Well, apparently I can say I've finished a year of grad school. That makes me feel old. So what does a year of grad school entail?

#1. Balanced Living.
I have no fear for myself in living a balanced lifestyle. Because if I can do that in grad school, I'm pretty sure I can do it anywhere. Movie nights? check. Frequent playing of games? check. Still getting good grades? check. Still love Jesus? check. I think I wrote those in the exact opposite order they should go in ... In any case, I do worry about those around me. Mostly if they are deciding to be pastors. If they choose to be academics and PhD's then by all means, lock-up in the library and solve the historical crises of the world (are there really such things?). But if we are called to the church, then the question becomes, what is the church while we are here at seminary? And that is a lot to consider. We have our field education placements, and our involvement with Sunday worship if we aren't in field ed. But if we place our focus there, we've tended to our 'church' needs just as the general world does. My Sunday/weekly ritual of spiritual involvement. If this is truly a seminary in which we are living into the call to be God's people, God's hands and feet, then potentially it should be the most enriching, edifying, and corporately empowering place in the world. Yes it's a grad school, but if we are studying missiology and practical theology, shouldn't it be our response to live it out? I don't understand. The lack of involvement in student organizations or events. The lack of motivation to build our community into a true Christian community. It seems there is no escaping those who would rather sit back and point out the problems in a community, rather than 'be the change you wish to see in the world' (Ghandi). What if in some way we are called to be catalysts. Why isn't a seminary the hub from which change pours?

#2. Milkshakes.
Not the kind that brings all the boys to the yard, but the delectable ones that involve chocolate and vanilla, and cooling off on hot days. Milkshakes are delicious, and a delicious way to hang out with people. And a delicious reward for playing an excellent game of Euchre. Perhaps at PTS, milkshakes proved to be a nice forced break for people. Stop what you're doing, talk a walk to halo pub with some of your favorite people, and grab a cold one (or, what I prefer to a 'cold one'). I think it's also just a nice reminder of how we should take time out of our busy schedules to spend time with one another. Dorms offer instant community. As do dining halls. Milkshakes make you work for your outing, set aside some time, put some effort into spending time with people. I like that.

#3. I like the word 'transitive'.
Change is always occuring. The other day Hillary (and Heraclitus?) said the only constant is change (of course I refuted that with gravity, but I'm pretty sure I know what she meant). I love change and I hate change. Change means people are different, places are different, with different people in them. That can be beautiful and terrible. I love meeting new people, but I hate losing the ones that I already love. And keeping in touch is hard, not to mention impossible when change involves death. But I am of the age of transition. Graduation, job hunting, opportunities, travel, volunteering. Young/Emerging adults are transitive. So how do we stay grounded?

#4. Most technology is self centered. Doesn't that make our culture self centered?
iphone/me-phone. Facebook/keep-up-with-me. Blog/my-other-thoughts. Twitter/now-you-know-when-I-go-to-the-bathroom. Myspace/myspace. Everything is virtual which makes us virtually interact with everything and everyone. At a recent conference we discussed how self-focused young/Emerging adults are, but when does our culture grow out of it? It seems like 'today' is reinforcing our self-focused habits more than ever. I'm writing a blog for heaven's sake. I'm gonna go spend some time in my journal. And a real book. And maybe a newspaper.

Oh, I suppose #5. I love home.

Holy Week: a Reflection

A foot washing service puts the attendee in an interesting position - the beauty of serving one another and remembering how Christ served/s us ... while also letting someone touch your feet. And feet are a delicate issue! I sat at the service on Thursday evening, tucked away behind the piano, offering contemplative music while my friends and peers took turns washing each others feet in the way that Jesus did before Passover. In silence (aside from the sound of my keys) an individual would take a seat, their feet next to a bowl, and in silence another individual would rise and come to them, place their feet in the bowl and proceed to wash them. There was no set order, nor forceful coercion to have each persons feet washed. It was an ebb and flow of service. I know many who passed up this opportunity for the very awkwardness of the task - either I am washing - touching - someone else's feet, or they are washing mine. But perhaps it is this awkwardness that helps us today to understand a little more the radical nature of what Jesus did. And we need to let ourselves experience the awkwardness in the same way that Jesus ask us to accept his act of servitude. Man, what a guy.

I can't remember if I've ever been to a Passion play before. I've been to my fair share of Easter Services, but I cannot recall a Passion play. Trinity Episcopal put one on, starring the best and brightest of their youth - I'd say the range in age was about 3-12. I didn't know what I was in for! There was of course the joy in seeing a child memorize their lines, the humor in seeing centurion soldiers wave at their parents in the audience, but I did not anticipate the jarring sensation of experiencing a multitude of children screaming 'Crucify Him!' at the top of their lungs. One moment they are smiling, half paying attention, and the next they are exactly that crowd in front of Pilate, bartering their savior for a murderer. However disturbing it may have been, I think it accurately portrayed what happened that day so many years ago. We all know how a crowd can take on it's own personality, luring it's members into unison, whether or not they understand what it is they are doing - the adrenaline and the movement is just too appetizing. And then it always leaves you with the question, where would I be in that multitude, mouth shut or fist in the air? ...

I have always had an admiration for the Lutherans, so for Good Friday I joined them for a service. I think Good Friday services are simply great. Perhaps it's just a recognition that in church we are never given the opportunity to sit and reflect on a passage. We are read the passage, and then told what it means or how we should try and think about it (at least for that week). But how refreshing, to read the Passion narrative for what it is, and sit in it for a while. I think we should do that more. We are much too uncomfortable in silence. How many times do I experience 'moments' for silent prayer that let me get as far as 'dear Lord' in my mind and are then interrupted by the lay leader giving the communal prayer. Let's sit in silence with our Lord.

What ARE you supposed to do on Holy Saturday?

HE IS RISEN!! What a joy to proclaim that to my peers on Easter. I may be on a seminary campus, but I do not feel the freedom to pronounce God's greatness and faithfulness to friends as I pass them by on a daily basis. Nor do I feel that excitement about Jesus would even be warmly welcomed. But on Easter, the doors are open, and the joy is free flowing. I LOVE being able to proclaim that HE is Risen and be affirmed by those passing by. A different way to share the peace. Oh, and I went to my first Sun-Rise Easter service - 5 in the morning, yet phenomenal. I have to admit though, I think the 3-hour nap afterwords really completed it.

And now it is time for finals. I do believe that Jesus saves, and therefore I cling to the hope that some grace will be extended to these exams ...

63 Degrees, I'll Take What I Can Get.

I made this card for my friend Erin, but I thought I'd share my sentiments at the moment. I want Spring. But, I fear this may be an overzealous desire, as I don't know if I want to sign myself up for whatever a 'Jersey Spring' might have to offer. I like my 'predictable' Seattle weather, and in that sense, that I know how to layer appropriately. Are we going to experience the kind of humidity that makes it hard to breath? No thanks. But today it was sunny with a high of 63, so the Seattlite in me threw on a pair of shorts and my Birkenstocks.

In other news, I experienced for the first time the phenomena of 'Bowlioke', which is in fact karaoke at a bowling alley. I have no idea why I haven't seen this before. But let's just mention that I may have sung Britney Spears, as well as High School Musical, and so it was a full evening.

My life has been otherwise occupied with The Tempest. PTS is putting on a production of it which will be performed next week, and most of my evenings in the past month have been overridden with props and pretending to be a sea nymph, whatever that means. All I know is I dance around like waves in the ocean, or bark like a dog ... a graduate student indeed.

The effects of the hot glue gun are astounding.

I acquired a new toy. The hot glue gun. I do believe I have wanted one ever since I knew they existed. I am now a proud owner. What finally pushed me over, you ask? Art day in Pennsylvania is what I would like to call it. We visited a studio in PA that may or may not have been what I would think heaven is like. Every craft you can think of - paint, tissue paper, nick-nacks, glue, pastels, charcoal, enough brushes to last you a lifetime. So what did I do with such a gift? I ...
... and I ...
It was fabulous. And now I can't stop doing art, which is dangerous because I still have work to do. Granted, it is a 'reading week' which means no classes, and essentially people take it as a spring break, but I would like to do SOME studying. :) We'll see ...

Women's Art Show

I think I will entitle it 'Surrender'. Title somewhat inspired by the Downhere song 'Surrender', but concept for work my own. The show's theme is 'Restricted Expressions' - expression we find to be restricted in the church tradition ... so interpret it how you will. I really want to explore more with mixed media.

If I could write the world a song.

I wish I was more of a writer. Doesn't it seem that the strengths you wish for yourself aren't the strengths you've been given? I have a passion for writing music, I just don't know how or what I would write. So I have a passion for wanting to write music. I think it comes out of a dislike for the worship music we hear over and over again at gatherings. Which is kind of funny in itself, because I would probably complain if only songs I didn't know were played - unless they were great songs with a solid sound and thoughtful lyrics. Which is what I would love to write. I think it's a desire for contemporary hymns. I'm obsessed with the song 'This Road' by Jars of Clay, of which the lyrics are:

All heavy laden acquainted with sorrow
May Christ in our marrow, carry us home
From alabaster come blessings of laughter
A fragrance of passion and joy from the truth

Grant the unbroken tears ever flowing
From hearts of contrition only for You
May sin never hold true that love never broke through
For God's mercy holds us and we are His own

This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow
God give us peace and grace from You, all the day
Shelter with fire, our voices we raise still higher
God give us peace and grace from You, all the day through

---I love it. I find myself picking up my guitar as a 'break' from studying which generally lasts longer than anything that should be called a break. I also 'helped' lead worship last night at our 'contemporary' worship service - I say 'helped' because no one came, and I say 'contemporary' because the songs were all circa 2001. Now, here is the dilemma. We sat brainstorming what should be done to encourage people to come, and amidst encouraging better advertising, I feel a need to move towards better songs. There are some newer songs that I love, and would love to bring to corporate worship. But isn't there a problem when I start loving songs? Once I was told, 'careful Becca, don't worship the worship'. It was in jest at the time, but those words have stuck with me because I easily love music, and I wonder sometimes if I enjoy worship music at gatherings because I love the music or if I'm really worshiping God. It can be hard to separate the two.

I know there are times when I have felt totally free during a worship service to praise God or be honest with God, and not be distracted by the voices around me, but distinctly touched by the words we sing, understanding what they really mean. And I hope that's what I can offer, that if I am worshiping through these pieces so can those who gather with me. Perhaps I should just stop worrying about what other people want in a worship service, and recognize that God works amidst our body of believers. Most of the time it really is us allowing ourselves to let go of ourselves and be listeners to and participants in something that is greater than ourselves.

Pheeling Phaint Phor Photographs

I have a love and not-hate-but-somewhat-dislike for photography.

I would love to take photography all day every day every where and all the time. You can be so artistic with shots, and creative with angles, colors, patterns, people/faces, etc. But at the same time you're only capturing a moment, and not even a moment if you think about it - it is a flat representation of reduced reality. This is why we moan and groan on family vacations when the designated photographer must document as much as possible. The rest of us pull at our hair, make faces, and present our case that we should be enjoying the time we have, not by taking pictures, but by actually making the memories. In the end I think we all are a little thankful that certain events do get plastered to the paper, despite the agonizing minute it took for the picture to be taken.

My not-hate-but-somewhat-dislike side comes in when I think about how meaningful the subjects of the photo are. With nature or inanimate objects I have no real opinion, but when people enter the frame everything changes. To photograph someone is such a blessing and a curse - you have an opportunity to attempt to capture them - and I mean them - in a single spot for eternity. To try and communicate who they are through a still image. This is a challenge, but part of me also thinks it's a disgrace. You can't hold a conversation with a photograph, laugh with a photograph (well perhaps you can, but you will look quite strange doing so), build memories with a photograph ... I guess when I see photos of people, it makes me ache to know them. Especially if the photographer has captured them in a unique way - and then I wish that photographs could respond. Perhaps J.K. Rowling wishes the same thing.

Back from 'break'. A week of no classes when the dining hall closes and there is still work to be done doesn't really sound like a break, but I'll take what I can get. I did finish a book, I spent some time in Pennsylvania, and watched a few movies, which is what break is all about.

Now it's back to classes. And I'm excited. It's always nice to see all the familiar faces back on campus (since many were absent over Jan-term) but it's also got me thinking about how I want to engage my seminary experience. A friend and I have decided that Wednesdays over breakfast we will come together with whoever would like to join us, and discuss theological issues. It's basically "let's talk about our frustrations/questions dealing with theology/whatever else we hear here in class that we have not yet unpacked" time. A time that I wanted to designate, because often at meals people are having time to zone away from classes. And in small groups you get a bit more personal. And I want to utilize the time here to ask my peers questions about salvation and Jesus and spiritual warfare. So, today we met and it was great. One reason I'm excited.

And one cultural comment about seminary for today. I don't think I've mentioned this one before, sorry if I have. It feels as though there is a sort of grasping onto pieces of the world - as in holding onto any and all secularity (just made that word up). It's almost as if it's uncool to proclaim a love for Jesus, which seems so backwards. This doesn't go for everyone, but it seems pretty commonplace. It more just makes me feel like we're taking this weird Christian community thing for granted. We don't have to live all goody-two-shoes Christian, I mean, honesty doesn't have to look good. But we also don't have to head the other direction. I guess I'm just hoping (and this will probably seem random) that people are really engaging who they are and who they want to be, who God is calling them to be, and are not giving in to who they think they are supposed to be.

Music and Poetry

Because some people know how to sing/say it better than I do.

Instead of a Show - Jon Foreman

I hate all your show and pretense
the hypocrisy of your praise
the hypocrisy of your festivals
I hate all your show

Away with your noisy worship
Away with your noisy hymns
I stop up my ears when your
singing ‘em
I hate all your show

Instead let there be a flood of justice
An endless procession of righteous living, living
Instead let there be a flood of justice
Instead of a show

your eyes are closed when you’re praying
you sing right along with the band
you shine up your shoes for services
but there’s blood on your hands

you turned your back on the homeless
and the ones that don’t fit in your plans
quit playing religion games
there’s blood on your hands

Ah! let’s argue this out
if your sins are blood red
let’s argue this out
you’ll be white as the clouds
let’s argue this out
quit fooling around

give love to the ones who can’t love at all
give hope to the ones who got no hope at all
stand up for the ones who can’t stand up at all
instead of a show
I hate all your show

Coming to God: First Days - Mary Oliver

Lord, what shall I do that I
can't quiet myself?
Here is the bread, and
here is the cup, and
I can't quiet myself.

To enter the language of transformation!
To learn the importance of stillness,
with one's hands folded!

When will my eyes of rejoicing turn peaceful?
When will my joyful feet grow still?
When will my heart stop its prancing
as over the summer grass?

Lord, I would run for you, loving the miles for your sake.
I would climb the highest tree
to be that much closer.

Lord, I will learn also to kneel down
into the world of the invisible,
the inscrutable and the everlasting.
Then I would move no more than the leaves of a tree
on a day of no wind,
bathed in light,
like a wanderer who has come home at last
and kneels in peace, done with all unnecessary things;
every motion; even words.

Janu-airy

Short terms are interesting. This is my first experience with one, and I'm not sure what I think about it. Cramming 10 weeks of information into less than 3 is quite a task, and staying awake for 3hrs of lecture every day does prove to be a challenge for me. I very greatly appreciate the class (Presbyterian History and Theology), but also the extra's that accompany this short term.

During a usual semester, we have the opportunity to attend Chapel every day at 11:30. But during the shorter term, we have morning prayer/evening prayer options. I decided to go to morning prayer the first week, which is itself dedication as it is at 8:30am - perhaps not early for you but early enough for me. :) The style of the service is from the Book of Common Prayer which in essence means high liturgy and very structured. My first impression was that it was rather dry - to read in response words printed for you on paper, to hear the monotonous voices surrounding you droning through the Apostle's Creed, and the pristine words of the speaker that have lost most of their conversational quality in the attempt to present a more holy atmosphere.

But is this not the epitome of judgement?

As I vented my self-righteous opinions about how I like to worship, Margaret was good enough to point out to me how much I was missing the point. What is worship? What does it mean to pray? What is prayer? I found myself swimming in the terrible current trend of 'what's in it for me?'. I can't stand that. I was looking for what I wanted. I was focusing on how I worship. I wasn't listening or praying about anything really, I was too distracted with what I wanted to get out of it. Why is there so much me all the time? How do I find myself there so often?

Well, I've been back. Every day. It has been glorious. I can't explain it, it's as though that first day I had the evil spirit of criticism hovering over my shoulder that wouldn't let me experience the Holy Spirit in that place. My mind open, my heart refreshed, the words on the page mean something different. The practice of speaking the scriptures with my brothers and sisters is a new experience. Worship and prayer are bigger than I am. How marvelous.

It makes me appreciate structure in some ways - how we may not want to do something, yet should do something. When we don't feel like praying, perhaps that is the best time to pray. Although I may not like the service at a church, let's look for God in it anyway, because He's there, and I just need to listen or pay attention. Let's all get off our high horses about wanting what we want, and try wanting what we've got.

As Time Goes By ... this is not your mother's british sitcom.

Nearly a month. And New Years passed. Weeks of leaving you in anticipation of what I'm up to (yeah right) + New Years MUST = countdown.

10. Christmas needs a caroling.


9. One of the times I tried to take the bus. As most of you know (like I really know who 'you' are) that Seattle has difficulty operating when it snows. The whole city suffers from this. But this day was just a little cold, and a little icy. So what gives? My bus was late. I had places to be. So I drove. But I still miss my old bus stop, almost as much as my bus missed me ... which was by about 10-15min. In any case, it wasn't as bad as the second time I waited, in a good deal of snow, for a shuttle that only appears once an however-long-it-takes-to-loop-the-neighborhood. Rescheduled THAT coffee date.

8. The San Diego Zoo has been an obsession, dream, and hope in the past 15 years of my life. This winter, that dream became a reality. And this is proof - a baby panda sleeping in a tree. It wasn't exactly like the interactive CD-ROM I received from my uncle so many years ago, it was simply better.
7. Sisters. This picture speaks for itself.
6. DISNEYLAND. AT CHRISTMAS. Need I say more? Aside from the fact that Nathan looks hilarious in this photo? Was he unprepared for the fun he was about to have that day? Possibly. Bonus: Innoventions - High School Musical Karaoke. You're right, I did need to say more.
5. Family attack! Let's just say the last time I slept in this house was when I was ... 5? That's much too long. I love my Aunt and Uncle. If you ever get a chance, visit Madrona Marsh. And if you ever get chance, play stinky pinky. It's a riddle/word game, that apparently means a lot of harsher things when you google it, so better just ask me about it ...
4. Family ... again ... and they should really be at #1 but since this is more of a timeline than a countdown, and they've already got #5 and #7, I think you get the picture. But really, THIS picture explains my family.
3. When I come home, I often smell like coffee shops. I actually went straight from Javasti to Zoka one day. But I love meeting with people! They are so interesting, you should get to know some. Catching up is the best. I am so thankful for the questions asked, the feelings expressed, the laughs shared, and the way my heart feels full.
2. That's one way to say goodbye - how often does Mt. Rainier actually show up to wave goodbye? My Great Aunt and Great...Cousin (?) have visited a number of times, and I think it was only on visit #4 that it actually showed up and wasn't covered in clouds.
1. And we're back. Class? Presbyterian History and Theology. Actually much more interesting than that groan you just let out. But I am here with a new perspective - reminded of what life at home is like, in some ways a refresher of who I am and what gives me life. And here I am asking myself if I'm living like that here. I think overall I feel a lack of spiritual fervor. I don't want to judge, and it's literally impossible when talking about other people's spiritual lives, but sometimes I just feel like theres a lack of energy for the gospel, no real recognition of the wonderful gift we have been given, first in Christ, and then in the fact we get to study all that follows from Him! I just want to see that faith is real to people. Maybe I need to show people that my faith is real to me.